hmmm

Okay so it's been a long time since i blogged.. and in that time a lot ALOT has happened.

Pet and I had a few weeks of vanilla, then we started getting into our community a bit, I found a master and I think lost him.. not something i want to go into right now. I have really started coming into my own as a mistress or so i thought. Pet was happy, I was happy, I took a lover first time just last week second time supposed to be tonight we shall see.

But pet seems to be punishing me.. I feel like slowly i'm being knocked down peg by peg.. almost like he needs to punish me for becoming what he asked I'm feeling confused, hurt and somewhat angry..

it's been small fights all day today first this morning when I told pet to plug his ass.. a resist and finally a not happening.. I told him he won.. then later in the day I asked him to run a few errands again resistance, now i know that we don't live it 24/7 but it seems that when asked to do an errand that is easily done that he should be happy to do so. maybe it's just me but I thought he was supposed to make my life happy even when not in complete play mode. and yet major resistance and bitterness and pushing and anger.. I'm so confused as to what the heck pet wants i just want to stop it all and see what he does then.. I'm just not sure I know what he wants and how he wants it.. I gain confidence and i get knocked down.. I try to assert myself and he knocks me down or gets angry.. again I just feel punished for doing what he has asked.. and i'm not sure what to do.. because he says that yes he's going to push back and i expect that but to pull the I really don't want to do this and then expect me to push back later... i'm confused hurt and unsure now.. URGH!!!

I try, I try and I try again to figure out what the hell he wants and then i think i have it figured and have this pulled on me.. I just don't know anymore. If there are any doms or tops reading this HELP.. hell when pet reads this if he can help even better i just want it sorted out.. does he want me to top him or does he just want a vanilla life what ever just tell me.....

I'm so tired of trying to suss it out all the time.. and try to be everything he wants every moment of the day.. I'm so worn out trying to please him i'm lost in how to please myself... because i'm unsure what i need to be doing anymore.. what would make me most happy is for him to make up his mind.. tell me and then leave it in my hands.. i'd make him lick me every morning but i know he'd get pissy, i'd have him locked in his belt and stayed that way when my lover is over but that would make his pissy, i'd have him suck and be screwed by a cock while i look on and then take a lover while he watched but that would piss him off i'm sure on the wrong day... I'd bend his ass over beat him black and blue and fuck him till he screamed (all things he has indicated he wants) but i know how it would go because i've only started doing a few of these and he's punishing me now for them.... all things i want and he wants but i can't do because i live in perpetual fear.

ahh the joys of being a mistress.. all for now.. will post more soon folks.

XOXO